Darkest Secret

Deepest Secret Feature
Depression. Some people throw the word around like candy at a parade but it is nothing to be taken lightly. It can become debilitating. It’s a nasty disorder that could potentially push someone over the edge. Literally, the edge when life becomes death.

Everyone handles their depression differently. Some seek professional therapy or counseling, which may or may not be accompanied by medications. Some may have a special person in their life that understands and accepts them and helps them get through it. Others try to handle matters internally, fearful of judgment that will be bestowed upon them by others.

At different points in my 32 years, I have experienced all three. I’ll save you the small details of every time I did each one and get to my point of all this.

Starting with the latter, about a year after my second son was born I started rolling downhill. It wasn’t until it was almost too late before it became obvious to those around me how depressed I had become. A combination of all things “my life” weighed on me but, I continued to hide it from everyone. I felt so alone and a moment finally came that I couldn’t take it anymore. The details of that night are still a painful memory. And even though I have learned from it, almost 8 years later, I still struggle with talking about it. In fact, only 3 people even know that night happened.

My point is that, almost to my detriment, I hid what was going on in my head from everyone. As much as I wish it never happened, it did. It took me years to get to a point that I accepted my actions from that night and ultimately learned how to never allow myself to get to that dark place again. Like addictions, it’s a lifelong ongoing battle. I say all this so that you, the reader, will either understand that what you’re feeling isn’t abnormal or to help you better understand the person you think may be depressed. The worst place for a depressed person to be is alone in their head.

Now, all that being said, it’s been longer than I can remember since I’ve had that true blue that I can call on anytime. However, I have managed to train myself over the years to be able to recognize when I’m getting to a place I may not walk away from. It was a long and arduous process but it was one of the best things I’ve ever taught myself. I just couldn’t put my boys through that kind of pain.

It was soon after the aforementioned moment since I last sought professional help. I had tried a few therapists but, finding someone I could connect with became more of a burden than a salvation. I suppose that could just be me though. I’m real particular about who I will open my inner world to. So, my dear readers, I hope that makes you feel as special to me as you are.

Just like my Crohn’s, my depression goes in and out of remission. I am currently on the upswing thankfully after quite some time of fighting (and writing). My aspiration now, is that by finally opening the door to my deepest and darkest secret, I will provide some insight into the disease that is depression. If you, or someone you know, ever needs someone that understands please contact me.

 

Listening to Mikky Ekko

“Now paranoia is setting in and I’m falling from the stars again while every part of me screams hold on. Cause if you can’t learn to bend than you break. Oh my God how long does it take? Every lesson we learned took so long but it made us strong” – ‘Watch Me Rise’

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