For Better, For Worse

For Better For Worse Feature

“I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part.”

Traditionally, these words, or something close to them, are said at every wedding. In fact, I said these words to my husband over 5 years ago. I meant every word. After all, you’re supposed to. These days’ people get divorced at an alarming rate but, I digress. My point is that aren’t these same words, exchanged before God and all present, just as sacred for those that are linked by blood? It’s an unspoken oath, right? In my experience, not so much.

I’m not going to bad mouth my family, they are who they are. However, after recent events, I’ve come to the conclusion that none of them will ever understand me and what my diseases have done to me, both physically and mentally. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve tried to atone. I’ve repeated them. But, at no point have any of my actions been anything short of trying to deal with my diseases on my own. The government sure isn’t in any hurry to help someone that’s in desperate need. I can’t work. So that leaves just me fending for myself trying to survive.

In all honesty, it pains me to admit all that. I love my dad. He’s always been there for me no matter what. You know the kind of unconditional love that a parent is supposed to have for their child. However, even that love has diminished significantly in the past month. It truly breaks my heart which only adds more stress to an already stressed out body. The others, well, I really didn’t expect anything less of them. But again, I digress.

So here I sit, trying to convey how difficult life has been for way too long. I feel like I’m in a 6 foot hole that is caving in around me. It’s a terrible feeling to not be loved or understood by those you want it the most from. Of course, I exclude my sons in that statement. Our love IS as it should be. I’ve worked very hard to make sure of that!

I’ve spoke of love before and it bears repeating…

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

least deserve it

That’s what He said love was. Who can really say they love in this way anymore? Sure I struggle with a few parts, I am only human, but at least I constantly strive to achieve all of it. Just about everyone I know takes those precious words for granted. They throw “I love you” around like a child does his toys. No one seems to know what those words really mean anymore. In addition to the aforementioned, love to me is about understanding. Take the time to realize what I’m dealing with. Look at things from my point of view. Understand all of me, not just what you think you may know. Do your research. Ask me questions. I’ll be honest and respectful towards you as long as you do the same.

A friend of mine recently told me, “Girl, you really were dealt a bad hand. I hate if for you but, I get it.” We’re not close by any stretch but, it was nice to finally hear someone say those few words to me. It seems silly, I know. But, when you’ve never heard someone genuinely say, “I understand what you’re going through” it strikes a chord. For better or worse, he understood me for me.

His words also came at just the right time. I mentioned before that I felt like I was in a hole and he gave me just that little glimmer of light that I needed. I’m not in the headspace that I want but, that’s for next time my words come across your screen.

Hopefully, it won’t be as long as last time. 😉

 

Listening to John Newman

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