Face Off

If I wrote a book with all the things that I’ve had to deal with over the course of my 30 years, it would be so thick no one would want to pay for the paper to publish it. Paper, like everything else these days is expensive you know.

The current struggle I’m dealing with is one that I’ve dealt with my entire life: confrontation.

I have gotten better about it over the years. First, it was just writing in a journal (which continues to this day.) Then it evolved to writing a letter to the person I had a grievance with. In the past few months, I’ve grown to be comfortable in speaking my mind over the phone. I’d say that I’ve made leaps and bounds from a child holding everything in. However, even with my improvements, it’s not enough. I have one major step left to take before I’m happy with my improvements.

Face to face.

Not being afraid of how the other person will react. Not being afraid to stand up for myself and my thoughts. Not being so defeated by my diseases that I falter in the very basics of human relations: honesty, communication, and love.

It’s too late to salvage some relationships, but that has little to do with my epiphany. I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing this solely to better myself. I’m done thinking that this will all fix itself. I’m done with all the internal anguish. I want to be someone that I’m happy with and I am going to get there. Let’s face it, you hold things in and not only does the stress eat away your insides, but it diminishes your mental and emotional state as well.

I’m tired of being in a bad head space more days than not because I’m afraid of just talking to someone that’s pissed me off. I’m tired of worrying about what they’re going to say or do in response. I’m just tired of living life in fear. Afraid of my diseases, health, other people, everything.

Fearing it all is not living life, it’s waiting to die.

I’m ready to live, love, and be loved.

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Listening to Stone Sour – “House of Gold and Bones Pt. 2”

4 Responses to “Face Off”
  1. Shay, you keep making progress in spite of everything saying you shouldn’t. I believe in you, so deeply it hurts sometimes. I’m sorry I haven’t been in contact with you. And I read Pigeon Please as soon as it hit my inbox and wanted to cry. Though that wouldn’t make you feel better. You have survived so much. I’ll be personally emailing you later this morning. Love you always, Dana

  2. I spent years with the same problem. I let things slide in relationships instead of coming out and saying how I really felt about things. I always thought that I was being selfish, that I didn’t have a right to explain (and expect) to get what I needed. It might have saved some relationships. Or maybe I would have realized that I shouldn’t be in the relationship at all. And by the way, I don’t want to sit around and wait to die. Death is going to have to chase me down and catch me. I have things to do. 🙂

Scarecrow can't do ALL the thinking...

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