On my birthday, a month ago, I let all of you know how much I appreciated the comments and the fact that you took the time to read my blog. I feel like I’ve grown as a writer and a person here. As I’ve already declared, I try to write honestly and from the heart, as well as inform, each time I post. On this short journey of blogging, I feel like I have made friends also. So with that, I feel like I owe it to you to disclose a little more personal information about myself.
Like I stated in Ugly Duckling Complex, I have always struggled with my self-esteem. I know that I’m not ugly per se, but I don’t see the beauty in myself that most others do. That being said, I have an appreciation of how I looked pre cancer compared to now. Hindsight is always 20/20, it would seem.
Since high school, I always enjoyed make-up. I even spent some time working as a make-up artist for a few local photographers. This worked out nicely, given that my husband is a photographer too. The problem, then, was that as much as I enjoyed preparing models, I never wanted to be one. Nevertheless, in the interest of appeasing my husband I had a few sessions with him so that he could try out new gear or just give us something to do together. I won’t lie, I complained A LOT to him about having to model. Looking back, I couldn’t thank him more for making me do it. I look at those pictures now and realize that they were the best pictures that I’ve ever had taken of me or ever will. In fact, there has only been one picture taken of me in the last 2 years. That was at my 6 year olds’ head start graduation, which was directly after my month stay in the hospital after my colon removal.
I don’t care for this picture in the slightest but, it was more for the little guy, than for me.
The internet is full of great pictures that I could easily pull off as my own but, when I can, I try to use pictures that are truly mine. The picture associated with My C’s Do Not Define Me is actually me. My about.me page has one of my favorites plastered as the background. Moreover, my Gravatar profile has a lot of me. Granted, it’s rare that I’m smiling in any of the pictures I have but, again, it wasn’t something I wanted to do at the time. I owe my husband a great amount of gratitude for capturing me when I was looking my best. After my colon was removed, the Crohn’s, Celiac, and PSC really began to show themselves outwardly. Most days, I look like I’ve been rode hard and hung up wet. Not only do I not have the energy anymore for getting dressed up (make-up and all), I don’t have the desire to given I rarely leave the comforts of home. When you add dark circles, paleness, and an overall “sick look” to the mix, I don’t foresee allowing pictures to be taken of me unless it’s necessary.
I know that my resentment towards taking pictures stems from my continuing battle with self-esteem, however, that is not an issue that I choose to deal with right now. I appreciate what I used to look like and my husband loves me enough not to judge me on my outward appearance. That’s all that matters, regarding the exterior. My internal health issues take precedence.
**Listening to Maroon 5**