My C’s Do Not Define Me

The Crohn’s, PSC, Celiac, and Colon Cancer are the diseases. I have spent 19 years letting one or all of them dictate what I do and how I act. Yes, they played a major role in making me the person I am today and why I write this blog. Nevertheless, for so long I let them define me. I always wanted to travel but haven’t made it off the east coast. The list of places I want to see seems endless, mainly because I never got started.

When I was a kid, before I first got sick, I’d often watch the birds around my house. I’d watch them peck at the ground. I’d watch them play in the puddles in the driveway after it had rained. I’d watch them preen in the trees. I’d watch them fly away into the blue sky. I often would dream about being a bird, flying away to wherever I pleased. Shortly after being diagnosed, my first of many extended hospital stays occurred. I remember vividly staring out the window watching the birds wishing harder than ever to become one. Birds didn’t have to deal with pain or feeling so alone or trapped. I would imagine how wonderful it must be to be thousands of feet in the air looking down at all the beautiful sights the world has to offer. I knew then that, like my chances of becoming a bird, my chances of ever seeing the world was nonexistent. This was my first major disappointment I accepted for myself.

Through the years, I have made a lot of stupid mistakes that I wish more than anything I could take back. I understand that my choices are my own but I still feel that had I been dealt a better health hand, I wouldn’t have made the majority of them. Most of the decisions continue to follow me to this day. Nothing I seem to do will atone for them. I had to face the hard truth that I most likely never will. Yet another disappointment I had to come to terms with. Nevertheless, no matter how many disappointments I’ve had to address, I am who I am, faults and all. I have learned from my mistakes, however, and have spent a great deal of time becoming a better person. I realize that I will still make mistakes but nothing life altering like before.

I blame my diseases for the choices that I’ve made. I’ve let them control me. They all have a nasty psychological impact on a person. Unfortunately, it is near impossible to explain that to someone who hasn’t experienced it. I’ve lost many important people from my life because they couldn’t understand why I acted the way that I did.  Ultimately, I became an introvert. Long gone was the outward personality that was everyone’s friend. I began to internalize everything. I learned to put up an “everything’s great” front and detested confrontation of any kind. As a result, my communication skills are very lacking today. I have to work hard to make a conscious effort to communicate with my husband and my loved ones who I hold close (all two of them).

I suppose though that even with all the negativity I face every day, mostly from myself, I have become a stronger person because of my C’s. I no longer ask “why me”. I no longer dread going to sleep every night in fear of how I’m going to feel when I wake up the next morning. I set goals for myself every night before I drift off and hold myself to them the following day. They’re nothing major, mind you. It’s menial things like getting my family out the door on time each morning or having dinner ready for them each evening or making sure at least one household chore is dealt with each day. By making sure I accomplish these would be small tasks, it gives me a reason to persevere through how bad I may be feeling. I no longer let any of my C’s tell me that I have no purpose in life. The little things I accomplish add up to a happy and smooth running family. As a wife and mother, who could really ask for anything more?

I may have a lot more hospital stays in my future. My diseases may get the best of me one day. I may never get to travel the world. I may never be a bird. I will however, continue evolving into a better person and living the life I have to the best of my ability.

My C’s do not define me!

 

**Listening to OneRepublic**

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Comments
8 Responses to “My C’s Do Not Define Me”
  1. Dana Bennett says:

    Shay, I think you just became a bird. You freed yourself from the past and allowed a new way to begin. You inspire me. Thanks for writing your blog so courageously. And for living your life in the same way. -Dana

    • asizCreatives says:

      Thank you so much Dana! I hadn’t looked at my thoughts from that perspective. Your words really moved me. Thanks again.

      • Dana Bennett says:

        You’re welcome! Your thoughts in today’s post helped me close out – with courage – a particularly difficult week with the PSC, So, I am grateful to you when I read your posts. You never know who and how you are touching someone else’s life with your writing. Keep on writing!

      • asizCreatives says:

        I’m so sorry that you’ve had a difficult week. I’m glad that I was able to help though. I hope that you get to feeling better. Stay strong Dana 🙂

  2. A Table in the Sun says:

    Like you, Asiz, I have a special connection to birds, AND also trees. Birds are my freedom image and trees and my grounded image. When I need to get away from physical or emotional pain, I focus on these images…..not in a longing-to-be way……..but in a I-am-one-with-them-way. It always helps!

  3. MJ says:

    Shay I think you are an amazing woman. You deal with so much on a daily basis yet you push on as if everything is fine. I have known you all my life and until you started your blog I never knew how much pain you were in physically, mentally, and emotionally. You are an inspiration to all and always remember that I love you and I will always have your back.

    • asizCreatives says:

      😀 Thank you. It means a lot for you to say that. I love you dearly cuz. And you know that I’m always here for you too. (You know you’re 1 of the 2 I mentioned, right?) Anyway, thanks again!

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