In A Perfect World….

My husband, my two boys and I would be living happily ever after.

I wouldn’t have gotten Crohn’s Disease.

I wouldn’t have gotten Celiac disease.

I wouldn’t have gotten PSC.

I wouldn’t have been picked on as a kid because I was sick and too embarrassed to explain why I looked the way I did.

My mother wouldn’t have left when I was 14 only to return when I got pregnant to scold and all around be unsupportive.

I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant my junior year of high school.

My mother’s relationship with me wouldn’t be shitty even though I’ve tried repeatedly to fix it.

I wouldn’t have gotten cancer.

I wouldn’t have had my colon removed to get rid of the cancer, which ultimately has extinguished my hopes of traveling.

I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes and ruined so many relationships.

I wouldn’t have lost my nephew to negligence by his mother.

I would have my dream job of being a makeup artist, a lyricist/writer, or a chef.

I would be the world’s best wife and mother.

I would be loved unconditionally.

In a perfect world, I would be happy. After all, isn’t that what everyone wants in this life? I try not to take things for granted and to make sure the people I care about most know how much I love them. However, this is not a perfect world, nor will it ever be. I’ve been dealt a shittier hand than most and I struggle constantly with having the strength to overcome it all.

I want to give my husband the wife he deserves and my boys the mother that they deserve. That is ultimately the gift I cherish most for them. I unfortunately fail at it more often than not, which only adds to my despair. I want nothing but the best for my loved ones and I have a difficult time providing this for them. I think about how better my life could have been had I not struggled with so many things for so long. I think about how I could’ve been a better person and how much better my family’s life could have been. Every day I pray for strength to get through and be the person my family deserves.

These thoughts don’t improve my situation but I can’t help but to have them. I am almost 30 years old and have very little to show for my time on earth. This bothers me. I feel that my time is growing shorter and I cry that my husband and boys will never know how much they really do mean to me, how much I cherish them and try so hard to be what they deserve.

I would give anything to have them tell me that they are better for having had me in their lives before I’m gone. I could then accept that my life was not a waste and move on knowing that my goal of being loved unconditionally was achieved… in a perfect world…

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Comments
2 Responses to “In A Perfect World….”
  1. Dear sweetie, What if you already are loved unconditionally. I was never loved in that way by my mother – but that doesn’t mean that others don’t accept and love me unconditionally. This is actually your choice – to see this or not. It’s a choice, plain and simple.

    You wrote this at the end – “I would give anything to have them tell me that they are better for having had me in their lives before I’m gone. I could then accept that my life was not a waste and move on knowing that my goal of being loved unconditionally was achieved.” And what about what your boys want? Do you think you are better for having had them in your life? Because if you believe and know that, now is the time to be telling THEM that. Daily. They do love you unconditionally – they just don’t have the words for it. But you do love them unconditionally, with no judgment, just the way they are. And you could be writing to them, telling them about who you are and how much you love them, giving them advice for when they are teenagers and adults. You could do it in videos, too. You have a lot to pass on to them. Whether you live much longer or not. No one knows the answer to that question. No one. You were given this one life. Yeah, it’s kind of a motha badass deal, but you do have life right now. It’s precious, no matter what. Give away the love that you have. It will all come back to you.

    • asizCreatives says:

      Thank you for your thoughts. As far as my sons are concerned, each time i talk to them, i make sure they know how much i love them and miss them. They’re still a little young to fully understand what i’m trying to convey but i know that when they are older they will say “mommy may not have been perfect but she absolutely loved me.”
      This emotional roller coaster I’ve been on the past few months has been wreaking havoc on my mindset towards everything. My family and I were supposed to be living “happily ever after” (or close to it) together right now and it’s killing me that we’re not. August of this year was a fresh start for us and all seemed right with the world. I just want that back.
      Thank you again for taking the time to read and respond.

Scarecrow can't do ALL the thinking...

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