The Ultimate Sacrifice

*Disclaimer*

I have been sitting on this post for about a week now, claiming a multitude of excuses as to why I hadn’t posted it yet. I can no longer let myself use these excuses. I told myself when I started this blog that I was going to be fully committed to it. No matter how personal or uncomfortable my musings may get, I will post my soul for the world to see so that I may have the opportunity to help another.

That being said, this post may seem a little depressing and may not help anyone other than me but, it is what I have written and it shall be posted so as to keep my promise.

It’s been way too long since my last post and I could give a hundred reasons as to why but, they all boil down to I just didn’t feel like it. It’s lame, I know but everybody goes through those spells. Even the best of people have bad days. I just wish that my “bad days” didn’t go on for weeks at a time…. C’est la vie.

However, I will say it is not cool to feel bad for weeks, start to feel better for a few days, make plans, and end up in the hospital for over a week. I know that my complaining won’t change anything and this scenario will play out many more times before my life ends but, it doesn’t make things any easier. Not so much for me, but my loved ones.

I know it’s hard on them to watch me suffer for so long, get better, only for my health to take a quick left turn. It takes a toll on my mental well-being but it turns everyone else’s life upside down. It’s not fair to them and Lord knows if I could give them a chance to prepare for my hospital trips, I would but, that’s just not reality, unfortunately. My loved ones always figure out a way to make things work in my sudden absence but, it doesn’t make me feel any better about the situation.

It’s times like these that I sincerely debate if my presence in their lives on a permanent basis is worth it. Please don’t misunderstand that last statement and think I’m depressed and suicidal. The hospital trips haven’t been quite that bad! It comes from me having a lot of alone time to think. The phrase “if you love them, let them go” has come to mind quite frequently as of late. I don’t want to be the reason why the people I love most in this world aren’t happy.

So as a mother and a wife, when do I finally say “I can’t put y’all through this anymore”? How do I weigh the pros and cons of not being a permanent fixture in their lives anymore and ultimately live my remaining days alone? Moreover, is that even a choice I’m willing to make? Can I sacrifice my happiness to give my loved ones a chance to be truly happy without me? It’s a tough call to make and I would never wish these kinds of questions on anyone. Nevertheless, I’m afraid I may be at that point, where these horrible questions must be answered.

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Comments
One Response to “The Ultimate Sacrifice”
  1. Shay, are you actually suggesting that you just go off and leave your family…so they can live “happily” without you? Where is their choice in this family matter? I do live alone. I also am sick (with PSC and breast cancer), but I get damn lonely for some human interaction…daily. The ways I make that happen are really kind of desperate and embarrassing at times. But I do it because I’m human, I’m not so big and tough, and I have lived a lot of my adult life alone because of other battles I was fighting from childhood. I’m not going to say to you, “Geez, I would give anything to have a husband and two young sons now.” Nope, not going to say that. That isn’t what I wish for myself. But these people are a deep part of your life right now. The way you are writing about not being “a permanent fixture” in their lives…have you asked them those questions? You are really calling for discussion and you need to think about including your family in such a weighty decision with all kinds of consequences – yes, good and bad. This is a really shitty cliche, but I’m going to use it anyway – don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. You could be throwing your real chance at peace of mind, freedom, and love – all those things you completely deserve. -Dana

Scarecrow can't do ALL the thinking...

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